This One’s for the Women Dreading Mother’s Day | Miscarriage Dialogues
Therapist Leigh Hall, LMFT, on how to survive a day that can feel unbearable when you're grieving, healing, or holding it all in.
Once again, it’s almost Mother’s Day—a holiday designed to celebrate love, but for so many, also illuminates pain.
It can feel impossibly heavy for those grieving a miscarriage, navigating infertility, parenting after loss, or facing another Mother’s Day without a child, a parent, or a path to either. The cultural messages are loud—flowers, cards, curated Instagram tributes—and yet the silence around reproductive grief is often deafening.
For people who are still trying, still hoping, or still healing, this day can evoke feelings of sadness, resentment, guilt, envy, or simply numbness. And the hardest part? Most of us feel like we’re not allowed to say that out loud.
At Miscarriage Movement, we know grief doesn’t take a holiday. And for those living in the space between what was and what could have been, Mother’s Day can feel like a cruel reminder of both. That’s why we’re dedicating this week’s edition of Miscarriage Dialogues to those who feel unseen, exhausted, or quietly unraveling in the face of it all.
This conversation with Leigh Hall, LMFT—a perinatal mental health therapist and Lead Clinician at Octave’s Center of Excellence—dives into the emotional complexities that often go unspoken around Mother’s Day. From the hidden toll of infertility and miscarriage to the pressure to “show up” for others when your own heart feels heavy, Leigh offers insight and guidance for anyone struggling with this season.
She helps us unpack what “invisible grief” can look like, how to gently protect your mental health during a triggering time, and why opting out of the holiday—or setting boundaries around it—isn’t selfish, but deeply necessary.
If this Mother’s Day feels like something you’re just trying to get through, we want you to know:
You’re not alone.
You don’t have to smile through it.
You are worthy, you are grieving, and you are seen.
Whether you’re spending the day in bed, with your feet in the grass, surrounded by chosen family, or tuning out the noise entirely—we hope this dialogue offers a soft landing place. And if you need permission to feel exactly how you feel this week, consider this it.
Now, here’s our Q&A with Leigh Hall.
Mother’s Day can be deeply painful for people navigating grief, infertility or complicated relationships with parenthood. From a clinical perspective, what makes this holiday so emotionally charged?
Even people who haven’t experienced deep or enduring pain in the realm of parenthood may have complex—or just negative—feelings about Mother’s Day. Our culture simultaneously idealizes and diminishes motherhood, placing unrealistic standards and expectations on parents (especially moms), while providing little to no real support. For those who are struggling with parenting, or who have had to navigate infertility, loss, or difficult relationships with their own caregivers, Mother’s Day can be a stark reminder of those things, while social media posts and relentless, sentimental advertising reinforce the narrative of “perfect” motherhood. They may feel, however, that they are not “allowed” to express their painful emotions because Mother’s Day is supposed to be a time of joy and celebration. Thus, whatever sadness, resentment, frustration, or envy that they feel is further complicated by shame and guilt.
Many people feel isolated on Mother’s Day—not just by their grief, but by how invisible it can feel to others. What are some ways this “invisible pain” can show up, and how can loved ones be more attuned to it?
Someone who struggles with painful emotions around Mother’s Day might feel unwarranted shame about those feelings, leading them to try to ignore or suppress them. A person who suppresses their emotions may experience physical symptoms, such as deep fatigue, headaches, upset stomach, or loss of appetite. On the other hand, the painful emotions might manifest in numbness, irritability, or even anger. If someone you are close to seems to be struggling with any of these issues on or around Mother’s Day, don’t be afraid to check in with them, offer support, and even acknowledge their pain or loss. Strive for patience and understanding, without offering unsolicited advice or trying to get the person to “focus on the positive.” You might worry that bringing up the subject of loss will make the person feel worse, but in fact it can be validating for the sufferer and reduce unwarranted shame. You might also be proactive and offer to help with household chores or childcare ahead of time so that the person feels less overwhelmed on Mother’s Day.
For those who’ve experienced miscarriage, recurrent loss, or unsuccessful fertility treatment, Mother’s Day can bring up feelings of failure, guilt or unworthiness. How do you help patients untangle those feelings from their worth or identity?
This might be a longer-term process of the client intentionally reflecting on and reminding themselves of the many different aspects of what makes them who they are; practicing self-validation and self-compassion around their painful feelings; and committing to regularly engaging in meaningful self-care. Joining a related support group may also be helpful, as it provides both a safe space to process emotions, as well as a vivid reminder that pregnancy or infant loss and infertility have absolutely no relation to a person’s worth.
What are some gentle coping strategies or rituals you recommend for people who want to protect their mental health around this time of year?
One action to consider is going offline, or at least limiting exposure to social media – maybe just for the day or week of Mother’s Day, or maybe even for the whole month, given how bombarded we are by advertising online. It can be lovely when people celebrate their mothers, or being moms themselves, in public ways; but during a time when someone who has experienced loss or does not have a good (or any) relationship with their own mother may be feeling particularly sensitive to such messages, muting the noise around all of it may be helpful. Is there a neglected hobby you could reconnect with, a book you’ve been wanting to read, movies you’ve been meaning to watch, a project you could tackle instead?
People who have experienced loss often find beautiful, meaningful, and very personal ways to honor their pain and acknowledge their loss or losses through ritual, ceremony, or symbolic action, done either alone or in the company of trusted others. For example, someone who has lost an infant, or their own mother, might gather items that remind them of their loved one into a memory box and spend time looking at or holding them on Mother’s Day. They may attend a religious or spiritual service; meditate; connect with nature; make art; journal; write a letter to themselves or the person they lost; listen to music; engage in activities they previously shared with their loved one; or plan an activity with their partner or a supportive friend.
Do you have advice for people who want to opt out of Mother’s Day celebrations—but feel pressure to show up, stay silent or keep the peace?
It is perfectly OK to want to be alone on Mother’s Day, and if that is your preference, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. However, for some people, it simply isn’t an option. If you feel too uncomfortable not attending a celebration for your own mother, or if your family wants to celebrate you, try a combination of expressing yourself, validating yourself, and setting whatever limits you can. Tell a partner, friend, or family member how you’re feeling about the day, or just tell yourself, either by journaling or even talking out loud to yourself! Take some time to remind yourself that your feelings are normal, and that there is nothing wrong with you if Mother’s Day is hard. If possible, set aside some alone time during the day and do something you actually enjoy. And consider limits that you can set – for example, instead of attending brunch, can you just send a card or flowers, or make a phone call? If you feel obligated to attend an event, set a limit on how long you stay.
For those in partnerships, loss and infertility can impact how each person relates to Mother’s Day. What guidance do you offer couples who may be grieving differently or struggling to support each other through this season?
When both partners are grieving, it can be difficult for each to find the emotional energy to support the other, especially if their grieving or communication styles differ, or if there is resentment or blame present. Relationship therapy can be very helpful for couples having a hard time communicating effectively and showing up for each other while navigating grief or the ongoing stress of infertility; it shifts some of the burden of validation and empathy onto a third party who has more capacity. Through therapy, couples can also learn to express their needs assertively; give feedback and ask for change without blame or criticism; and explore ways to rebuild connection. A skilled relationship therapist can help partners recognize and validate the ways in which each person is striving to be there for the other, and to find forgiveness and understanding for past mistakes or shortcomings.
In your work, how have you seen therapy or support groups shift a patient’s relationship to these painful milestones over time?
Such deeply painful feelings can arise related to motherhood, loss of motherhood, unachieved motherhood, and having a dedicated space to express and receive support for these feelings is invaluable. Try as they might, partners, friends, and family members don’t always know what to say or how to hold space for a loved one’s grief, anger, or envy around these topics. A good therapist, especially one who is trained or specializes in such issues, will create a nonjudgmental environment in which the client can receive validation and empathy; learn new coping strategies or collaborate on problem-solving skills such as assertive communication and boundary-setting; and develop the ability to recognize self-defeating thoughts and patterns, working to replace them with self-compassion and effective behaviors. In my work as a therapist, I have had clients going through setbacks in their infertility journeys tell me that just knowing they would have a chance to talk about them in their weekly session with me was comforting and helped them cope.
Support groups can also be incredibly helpful. Navigating grief and loss often feels very isolating, especially when there is any kind of societal “taboo” attached to the subject. Miscarriage and infertility are unfortunately still topics that make many people uncomfortable, and admitting to feeling anything other than unqualified love for one’s own mother is often viewed negatively. Hearing from others who can relate to your experiences can normalize difficult emotions and lessen guilt and shame. In addition, studies have shown that the act of participating in a support group brings with it the positive emotions associated with helping others.
What would you say to someone who’s dreading this year’s Mother’s Day—who feels overwhelmed, unseen or unsure how to get through it?
First of all, peel the shame layer off of these potentially complex emotions. Whatever you’re feeling, it is caused by something – or a combination of things – and is valid. Try taking a self-compassion break if and when the emotions become particularly acute or painful: Acknowledge the presence of suffering; recognize that you are not alone, and that many other people around the world are familiar with such pain, even if no one in your close social circle is; and wish yourself peace and comfort.
Make a plan. Who would you like to spend the day with? What activities, rituals, or ceremonies might resonate for you? What limits and boundaries can you set? Is there someone you can ask to be “on call” for a meet-up, a chat, or just a text exchange, in case you need it? What mantras or reminders can you access throughout the day (some ideas: “My pain is valid.” “I am whole and complete.” “I am loved.”)?
Remember that Mother’s Day is just one day. You will get through it.
Lastly, what’s one thing you wish more people knew about grief and motherhood—especially on days like this?
Our understanding of grief has evolved, and we now know that it does not always unfold in a predictable or formulaic way, nor does it necessarily lessen in intensity over the years – rather, it often blends into the background of a life on a day-to-day basis, but may suddenly move into the forefront again at unexpected times, or with a force that can take a person by surprise. This is normal and does not necessarily mean that a person has not “moved on from” or “processed” their grief adequately. Grief can be a lifelong journey, and there is no right or wrong way to move through it.
These conversations matter, and so does your voice.
If you have a story to share, an idea to pitch or just want to reach out, we’d love to hear from you. Email us at jenn@milaandjomedia.com or send us a DM at @miscarriagemovement.
Talking about miscarriage shouldn’t feel like a secret. Let’s keep pushing for change—together.